Remember when the history channel was called the history channel and the shows on it were actually about history?
Yeah most people probably don’t but it did exist once. Now its just called “History” and its nothing but dudes cutting down trees and something called “Monsterquest” where they literally just make shit up. (the ohio grassman really?).
But recently the fuckers over at History have topped themselves with a little gem called American Pickers.
This show consists of a pair of the world’s two largest douche’s ( they have names but douche 1 and douche 2 will work
just fine) who do nothing but ride around and rob senile old folks of the sometimes very valuable shit they’ve acquired over the years. These poor people are literally hoodwinked out of things that not only have monetary value but
emotional value as well. Douche 1 and douche 2 are all to happy to pay 50 bucks for a rusted out, shit box coke machine that belonged to some grandmas husband who died last fall and flip it for five hundo so some yuppy asshole can recreate the inside of a Bennigan’s in his living room.
I’m telling you if these two show up at my grandparents house shits hittin the fan. Plus those two guys together on the road, just the two of them, in that tiny van for weeks at a time…you get where im going. I mean it, watch a couple episodes and you’ll seriously start to question their hetro street cred – and, really, who wants two gay gypsies going door to door in their neighborhood asking to look at your shit so they can make insultingly low offers on it.Not I. So, if these guys ever happen to show up at your doorstep do yourself (and everyone else) a solid – knock those fuckers out, steal all the shit they have in their van, and take it over to the guys at Pawn Stars. ‘Cause they know their shit.
So Ive been driving in and out of the state of Maryland (every fucking day) for going on close to seven months now, and Ive come to realize one inescapable truth.Maryland is a fucking shit hole. Granted Ive been spoiled having come of age in the great commonwealth of Virginia, there’s still no excuse for the daily amount of butt fuckery i’m forced to deal with on a regular basis in this shit state. I could list reasons but i feel an out and out rant would better serve to get the point across. After crossing the bridge into Maryland the first thing you’ll most likely notice, if you arent instantly cut off by another driver (which is standard operating procedure when changing lanes in this fugly state) is the smell of shit. And i mean immediately. The second you are off the bridge you are met with two things - a raw sewage treatment plant and a BIG sign that says “Welcome to Maryland” and then the best part! – The governor’s name is right there on the sign- Martin O’ Mally (pretty sure thats his name but if its not rest assured its something equally as stupid). This takes balls and, to be honest, kinda makes me respect that governor. Its like “Welcome to Maryland. Im in charge, and we put the raw sewage plant right by the entrance so you’ll know what youre getting yourself into.” All up front. I like that about a man. No excuse for being in charge of The Peoples Republic of Maryland (we’ll get into that later) . The 2nd thing you’ll notice is that every road you drive on is like a goddamn mine field ( these things remind me of old world war 2 pictures from bombed out Berlin circa 194 fiiiiiiii- fuck you germany!)
Maybe I’m being a bit rough over generalizing an entire state. I mean i hear Annapolis is nice. And the Baltimore harbor is always worth visiting. Of course, the problem with both of those places is that the harbor is surrounded by Baltimore and Annapolis is surrounded by Maryland. So fuck it, i’m goin’ with it
The 3rd thing you’ll notice are the drivers. I don’t know if they just don’t test for licenses or they intentionally teach their citizens to drive like dicks but shit gets downright dangerous. For instance, you won’t see one turn signal. If you do it will be flashing on the right when the driver means to merge left….because this makes sense in Maryland. This, of course, ultimately leads to multiple accidents and a bunch of confused motorists standing around wondering how the hell they could’ve POSSIBLY ended up in a car wreck..
The 4th thing you’ll notice is the best part about visiting our next door neighbor state. GETTING THE FUCK OUT. The absolute best part is the return trip over the bridge and back to the relative paradise that is Virginia. Everything’s just better. Its like dorthy going from that black and white, shit smelling pig farm to the land of oz where everythings dripping in technicolor and a bunch of kick ass midgets think youre the shit because your house landed in the right place at the right time.
So, final thought – unless youre going to see the skins lose. Stay the fuck out of Maryland.